I went to Harvard Divinity School because I thought it would prepare me for a life of meaning. It did. When I was asked to provide some career advice to other Harvard graduates, I jumped at the chance. I didn’t want to talk about networking, or finding a mentor….all of those things we’ve heard before. I wanted to address the fact that no matter what advice you’re given….your own career path is going to twist and turn and therefore the best that you can hope for is to learn along the way.
Resistance will claim that it’s protecting you.
I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how much you’ve accomplished. There is always forever one thing standing in your way. As soon as you start to commit yourself to doing something, you’re going to face a force like you have never known (author Steven Pressfield literally calls it “evil”). It cannot be negotiated with. It cannot be appeased or bribed. It wants to destroy you and everyone who has tried to do anything important has felt it. It is called resistance.
Resistance will take many forms. Both internal and external. It will take whatever form it has to take to prevent your from achieving what you want. It will whisper “well, I don’t have to do it TODAY….”. It will make you lose your keys, it will make you forget to make a call, or suddenly need to take a bathroom break (even though you just went 10 minutes ago). It’s just your brain playing tricks on you. It’s all resistance. If you’re going to beat resistance then you should get good at recognizing it. This article is dedicated to three of the most common forms of resistance and three very simple (but not easy) ways to overcome them.
1. Fantasizing
Tell me if this sounds like someone you know. They like reading about cars they can’t afford. They plan trips they aren’t going to take. They buy clothes for a lifestyle that they don’t live. This form is resistance is called fantasizing. Now, there is nothing wrong with setting big goals. Sometimes the bigger the better. But if you find that you’re spending more time day-dreaming than day-working then you’ve found a form of resistance. It’s candy-coated so you feel like you’re actually doing something, but you really aren’t. You’re just eating your ice cream first and then getting surprised when suddenly you’re not hungry enough for your broccoli. Remember, you have to manage your temptations. Put simply, if there isn’t a direct connection between your inspiration and your perspiration then you’re spending too much time in Neverland.
2. Stalking
I love reading biographies. I love learning about other people’s lives in the hope that their story can somehow inform my own. However, there is a difference between being a seeker and being a stalker. The difference? You’re stalking if you obsess about someone’s Facebook pictures, consider People magazine literature, or feel personally invested in the Forbes 400 (even though you have absolutely no connection to anyone). If you find yourself emotionally involved with the lives of other people – who you do not PERSONALLY KNOW – then you’re a stalker. You’re a seeker if you have the balls to ask a local entrepreneur for some advice. You’re a seeker if you role model your life after someone you admire. You’re a seeker if you write an email to an author to share how a book impacted your life. Those are genuine connections and you should do them as much as you can. So, please go out and network. Make friends with people who are doing the things that you’d like to be doing. But don’t kid yourself into thinking that when a celebrity likes your Facebook post that it means anything.
3. Distracting
You have lots of things to do but you don’t want to do them. Enter: something “interesting” to do. Let’s clear this up quickly; “interesting” should never be your criteria. Unless, you’ve done your work for the day, then you can’t afford to be “interested” in anything not directly related to accomplishing your goals. This is just another form of resistance and one of the most powerful. While fantasizing and stalking may be pretty easy to identify, distractions can be anything from “really needing” to hang out with friends to suddenly feeling really tired as soon as you get to work. I’ve had the experience of suddenly remembering all of the errands I need to do as soon as I sit down to write. It’s no coincidence that these memories seem to be triggered only when I’m writing something particular difficult. Also, avoid the word “multi-tasking” at all costs (it just means that you’re doing more than one thing badly at a time).
So, that’s it, the three most common forms of internal resistance that you’ll face. I’ve said before that you are your own worst enemy (7 Ways to Be Your Own Worst Enemy) and you’ll have to get better at calling out your own BS. I will cover several ways to fight resistance, including the ONE thing you must absolutely do, but I’ll leave that for Part 2. For now, just pay attention to how resistance works against you. Every person has their own special devil on their shoulder. Get to know him. Get to know him very well.
When this lady talks, I listen.
When most people talk about “goal orientation” they generally mean “how motivated are you to achieve your goals?” While this question may be fine for most people, I don’t think it helps most people. Reflecting on HOW motivated you are to achieve something may in fact actually lessen your drive (I’ll explain why in a future article). So if you’re going to do some soul-searching, spend your time taking a sober look at WHAT motivates you. This is precisely what psychologist Carol Dweck had in mind when she conducted her research on school children in the late 1970s.
Two 10-year old boys enter separate classrooms. The rooms look exactly like what you’d imagine, typical elementary school classrooms from the late 70’s. Lots of small tables and chairs, lots of student projects, and a general almost overwhelming sense of color. In most ways the rooms are completely identical. The boys are fairly identical too, which is great for Dweck’s research. The tests these boys were given were straightforward. Each boy was given a series of progressively difficult problems. As the difficultly rose, each boy is asked if he would like a more difficult problem or an easier problem. The results of this research show that the two boys had very different reactions to this kind of experiment. The first boy, continued to enjoy the challenge of the difficult problems and remained engaged and confident. This boy was exhibiting what psychologists now call a “learning orientation” or “mastery orientation.” In contrast, the second boy became disinterested and upset as the difficultly of the problems rose; his principal goal was to demonstrate and validate his competence. The second boy has what researchers now call a “performance orientation.”
Since that time, organizational and school psychologists have been doing lots and lots of research to better understand how these two orientations interact and how they may determine an individual’s success in different environments. This chart clearly shows some of the differences:
So, no more descriptions. What does all of this mean for you? Well, first you need to determine which one of these boys seem most similar to you. Do you like to demonstrate you expertise by accumulating achievements or do you prefer to challenge yourself for even if you get in over your head? In general, are you more motivated to master skills or to master others? Understanding where you are is important because it shows you where you may need to grow. In fact, researchers now believe that these orientations, while pronounced and distinct in children, may become complementary in adults. That is, while children may be labeled high in learning orientation OR high in performance orientation, adults may score high on performance orientation AND learning orientation. In this way, you’ll want to build up these motivating forces simultaneously and avoid letting one dominate your life.
Remember, if you want to succeed then you’re going to have to learn your own weaknesses and temptations (see “Manage Your Temptations”). If you’re completely performance oriented then you may avoid important learning situations in which you may appear incompetent. Conversely, if you’re completely learning oriented you may leave many projects unfinished because the novelty of the challenge has worn off. The key is to know yourself and know when you are just making excuses.
You want a real success secret? Understand this principle: achievement without mastery is temporary; mastery without achievement is delusion.
“Why are you following me?”
People often ask me for advice and this is both a great privilege and a burden (particularly when I’m playing Fire Drop on my phone). Yet, with all of the questions I get asked, no one has ever asked how to make themselves more miserable. This is surprising considering how people specialize in it. So, I’d like to take this opportunity and answer a question that literally no one has ever asked me: How can I be my own worst enemy?
Well, the steps are easy and the good news is, if you follow this advice and you’ll never have to worry about someone else ruining your life.
Don’t ask questions. You already see all of the angles and you already know the right course of action. You are a genius. You can read people’s minds. You can see the future. So, don’t learn more, just focus on how to win people over to your side.
Always find blame. There is no such thing as an accident. Someone is always too blame. If it’s someone else, then be mean to them. If it’s you, then make sure you beat yourself up over it. Don’t ever let mistakes go.
Don’t stick to commitments. Sure you have to promise things sometimes, but don’t limit yourself. You have the right to change your mind on short notice. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Freedom is the most important thing.
Hide your expectations. It’s obvious what you like and what you don’t like. If other people don’t see that then they are stupid. You are one of the best communicators in the world (top 20 at least). You don’t ask questions so why do they?
Don’t be skeptical. You base your life on faith and trust. Things don’t have to make sense to be true. You don’t have enough experience or education, so you trust those that do. Being curious will only slow things down.
Don’t make mistakes. You have high standards and you won’t compromise. Think everything out in great detail before you take action. If you spend enough time planning every possible choice and consideration will be covered.
Don’t be vulnerable. Don’t rely on anyone. Everyone will disappoint you so just learn to take care of yourself. Never ask for help. Never admit that you have weaknesses. Don’t delegate. Don’t trust. Be an island.
Remember, if you hold the keys to your own happiness then you also hold the keys to your own misery. Your beliefs are particularly hard to see and therefore are particularly hard to judge. You are likely creating lots of problems for yourself and if you really want to make things better (or want a serious challenge), then be brave and get a counselor, get a coach, read some self-help books, or ask for honest feedback from friends. Don’t go up against yourself alone.
“Who’s got next?”
In 1935, a small debate team from Wiley College in the sleepy town of Marshall Texas defeated the dominating national champion, The University of Southern California. This was a historically significant event as it marked a huge step forward for the legitimacy of the education provided by historically African American colleges and universities in the United States.
The thing is, Wiley’s debate coach Melvin Tolson viewed the victory over USC as completely irrelevant. Unimportant. Unnecessary. Incidental. In Tolson’s mind, the real triumph was that he got his team to believe that they had the right to challenge the national champions in the first place.
The reason why is because Tolson understood a fairly simple success secret – you are who you play. Wiley College was just a small dot on a small map and Tolson knew, that even if they lost that competition, that he had raised their expectations and their standards for themselves. By elevating your peer group, you elevate your expectations. For everything that the self-help books tell you about goal-setting, the most important factor in determining your potential success is to evaluate the people you compare yourself to.
Here’s a simple example. If you want to accurately guess an individual’s salary, then you just simply take the salaries of his or her five closest peers and then average it. What to know someone’s body fat percentage? Education level? Average five peers. It’s a simple formula, but an amazingly accurate one. So, if you want to raise the level of your game then you need to raise the level of your competition.
Now obviously I’m not suggesting that you go around challenging everyone in every area. But once you know what business you want to be in (i.e. what areas of your life or career that you want to succeed in) then you need to decide who you want your competition to be. The competition doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game (only one of you can win), but it does have to be public. Making up competitions in your own mind doesn’t count. Being very clear about who you intend to compete with has a lot of power because it opens you up to criticism and ultimately you’ll work harder because of that fact.
You are who you play. This is certainly not a new idea as Confucius once said “Never make friends with a man who isn’t greater than thyself,” but it is an extremely important one. Your performance is a direct reflection of the expectations of your peer group and if you want to be successful, then you need to get around others who are doing better than you. Humbling? Yes. Painful? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. Ultimate formula for success? Absolutely.
Wow! Look at that view! Oh wait….you’re not.
A lot can be said about goal-setting. I wish it wasn’t. In my opinion goal-setting is often a complete waste of time. Not that your typical self-help guru is wrong about the importance of goal-setting, because they aren’t. The problem I have with all of this talk about goal setting is that too many people become focused on setting perfect goals rather than achieving them. What is a “good” goal? Is it specific enough? Is it achievable? How will I measure it? What is an action step versus an action item? What’s the difference between an outcome and an objective?…blah, blah, blah. I’ve seen it and experienced it myself many times.
The spirit of goal-setting is that you want to know where you are heading – fine – but ultimately you want to achieve something meaningful (other than having a bunch of words on a sheet of paper with the word “Goals” at the top). General Omar Bradley famously claimed: “Amateurs talk strategy. Professionals talk logistics.” This is because once you have your direction picked out, the most important thing is to start moving and too often amateurs like to hide their inability to take action behind the veil of “strategic thinking.”
Now before Tony Robbins shows up at my house with a bucket of tar and a bushel of feathers (do they sell them in bushels?) let me just say that strategy is obviously important. In fact, strategy or goal setting is so important that human beings have invented a word to describe ” a complete lack of strategy; a series of actions without a specific purpose”…we call it “play time.” If you want to actually achieve something, rather than just driving around in circles (no offense to NASCAR fans) then yes, you need to set some goals. My point is simply that if you’re like the achievers I work with, people who are smart, people who have great ideas, then you’ll need to make sure you don’t let “perfect” get in the way of “good.”
You need to remember that the best ideas don’t come to you in a vacuum. Even if you don’t have the best plan, get out there, stir things up, and see what happens. The measure of your abilities will always be in what you actually achieved not what you hoped to achieve. Goals are good, but actions are better.
Metaphor alert: It’s an empty box.
The most common mistake we make on our path to success is assuming that we don’t know enough. We believe that there is some secret formula. That once in our possession, will lead us clearly and convincingly to our destiny. This is a mistake. The bittersweet truth is that you already know everything you need to know to achieve your goals. It is a sobering thought for sure, but one, when truly understood, will free you.For example,I am a person who is always trying to get in shape. I have been successful in establishing good exercise and eating habits, but it is very easy for me to fall off the wagon. I work at that area of my life constantly (10 years ago I even became a certified personal trainer), anyways, a few months ago I was talking with a good friend who had reached a point in his life which he was ready to make some major changes in his health.
We started talking about where he should begin. “I have already bought about 10 diet books,” he boasted. “What about exercise?” I asked. “Well, I do not want to join a gym, so I am thinking about getting a recumbent bike and some weights.” “That makes sense,” I responded, “when are you going to get them?” “Well… I need to do some research first. I want to get something good. What do you think?”
“I think you are delaying,” I responded. “What do you mean?” he asked. “Listen,” I said, “…there is no big secret to losing weight. It is not an easy process, but it is simple. You need to burn more calories than you are taking in. You already know that. I think you are trying to buy yourself some time before you REALLY have to do anything. If you want my advice, you need to stop thinking and start doing. If you want my advice, you should go for a run TONIGHT.”
The point I was trying to drive home was that no one knows how to play mind games with you like YOU. Do you want to make a lot of money? Then you need to spend less money than you are bringing in. Do you want to be a millionaire? Research tells us that the odds are in your favor if you invest intelligently and start your own business. These insights are not front page news. If you really want to achieve a particular outcome then the chances are that you already know what you need to do. You just need to start.
What do Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, and Albert Einstein all have in common? They are all quitters. And I mean BIG TIME quitters. Colossal, mega, super-quitters. In fact, one could argue that it was their unique ability to quit that made them successful.
Imagine this – it’s 1977 and you’re a college student living in Queens, NY. By day, you work as a furniture mover and are working part-time on an accounting degree and by night you perform stand-up comedy in some small local clubs. By all accounts, you are almost completely average at everything you do. Seeing your lack of progress, your parents force you to make a decision; either focus on your accounting degree or focus on your comedy. Thankfully, Raymond Romano decided that accounting wasn’t for him (which is too bad because he could have used that accounting knowledge to help him with the almost 500 million dollars he made over the course of Everybody Loves Raymond).
“Moving furniture is shit.”
Now, most of us don’t have parents like Ray. Most of us are so afraid of the word, “quit” that we would never dream of dropping something that we invested a lot of time into. And it is for this reason, and this reason alone, that so many people fail to succeed. Why? Because in order to achieve something spectacular you have to have a laser-like focus on it and you already know that you can’t focus on several things at once. Confucius said, “he who chases two rabbits catches neither,” so if you want a rabbit, you’re going to have to decide.
Our problem is that we want to dabble in this and play with that. We want to try some experiments and we want to explore some possibilities. By this of course, we intend to play it safe and I’m as guilty of this as anyone (probably even more so). We want to “try.” We want to try so that when things fall apart we can easily jump ship. This is what separates those who achieve great things and people who almost achieve great things. Successful people know that in order to surpass their peers they need to be more focused and more committed than their competition. But what most people forget is that you only have a limited amount of resources. And if you’re going to focus on one thing, then you’re going to have to quit something else. In my coaching, I’ve found that learning to quit is one of the hardest lessons to learn, especially for high achievers.
So, in order to help you let go, let me remind you that being “good” at something doesn’t get you anywhere. A “good” basketball player may run rings around the guys at the local rec center, but he’s not getting endorsement deals. Being a “good” businessman just means that your company survives. It doesn’t mean that your company is truly adding value to its customers, employees, and the community…consistently. You may be “good” at a lot of things and while that may impress your Facebook friends, the world at large doesn’t care. The world only cares about excellence and the only way to achieve excellence is to focus. No one has ever built a statue to honor a dabbler.
So, what does this mean for you? Well, it means that you need to do some serious soul-searching. You need to figure out what kind of business you need to be in and equally importantly, the kind of business you need to get out of. Look at each piece of your life and make a decision to either quit or commit. Figure out what’s most important to you and put your time, money and energy there – forget everything else. If you have a hobby or you do something to have fun or relax, then by all means keep doing it. We all need to enjoy ourselves. Just don’t deceive yourself into believing that what you dabble in will amount to anything more than that.
Your time and energy are your most precious resources. It is the great equalizer. However, once spent, you never get them back. Ask yourself honestly, where do you spend your time each week and are those things moving you forward in the areas that are most important to you? If not, then I guarantee that you’ve got some time wasters in there. Cut those anchors loose and give yourself the freedom to pursue excellence in your chosen area.
“This HAS been a lot of fun. So, listen…….”
In 1908, after eight years of hard work and learning the ins and out of his trade, Albert Einstein quit his job at the patent office to focus on his scientific research and teaching. In 1946, an Albanian nun named Teresa left her position in the convent to live among the poor of Calcutta. 33 years later she was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize. In 1994, Michael Jordan quit the Chicago Whitesox to rejoin the Chicago Bulls winning three additional national basketball championships in the process.
They were all average people who were “good” at a lot of things. What set them apart though was an above average clarity about who they wanted to be. They committed to that vision and they quit everything else. Every time you hear someone quote Vince Lombardy’s line, “A winner never quits and a quitter never wins,” just smile quietly. You know the truth. A winner quits lots of stuff.
If you’ve read my other articles, then you might think that I don’t like positive thinking. You’d be wrong. I love positive thinking. Research into motivation has shown time and time again that believing you will succeed at something really does increase your chances of succeeding (it’s something that mascarades under names like Expectancy Value Theory or Self-Efficacy). The problem is that the self-help gurus of the world fail to make one critical distinction when it comes to positive thinking. They fail to tell you that there are really two ways of thinking positive about achieving a goal and doing the wrong one will ensure that you become a world-class failure. Yes, it’s that serious.
Here’s a little quiz. Let’s say you want to start a business. You could think positively about that goal in two ways. You can think:
A – “I have the knowledge and skills to start this business and I feel secure and confident that I’ll be able to achieve that goal.”
B – “I will easily be able to secure the financing, raw materials, and distribution channels and will have no problems attaining reaching the projected sales targets of 1000 units.”
What’s your pick? Well, I hope it was answer A, because answer B is setting you up for a world of hurt. Studies have shown time and again that if you believe something is easy to achieve then you will put in less effort. It’s as simple as that. However, if you believe that you possess the knowledge and skills to overcome challenges with the recognition that there will be some challenges in your path, then you’re going to put in more effort more consistently. Of course this is a lot easier said than done, so let’s actually do it (just in case you’re thinking, “it will be easy for me to think this way”).
1. Pick a goal that you have.
2. Now, think about one positive aspect of achieving that goal. “What does success look like?” is a good question to ask yourself. Get that picture in your mind.
3. Ok, now think of a few obstacles that stand in the way of you achieving your goal. Be realistic.
4. Now think of another positive aspect.
5. Now another obstacle.
Do this enough and you’ll have a very accurate AND inspiring vision for the future. Thinking positively this way prevents you from fooling yourself into taking the path of least resistance which will often lead to a place you don’t want to go. Again studies have compared different groups, each who have used a different technique for thinking positively and the group that used this alternating technique (Mental Contrasting) are always the highest performing group. Learn from these studies and model their success. There is nothing wrong with thinking positively, but just make sure that you balance that with the knowledge that anything worth doing is going to be difficult.
The mechanics of creating and growing a business are not that mysterious. There are plenty of resources out there to help you. In fact, there is so much out there for you to learn from that if your business isn’t working, then the problem is YOU. In the spirit of telling you the truth so that you can turn things around, here are my top ten reasons why business leaders fail.
1. You’re trying to screw over your customers. You think that getting them to pay $100 for a $10 product is doing good business. You’re wrong. They’ll see right through you and your fancy sales tactics. Give them more than they are paying for and they’ll beg you to sell to them.
2. You’re lazy. In the end, successful businesses are all about the hustle (and I don’t mean tricking other people). If you want $10,000 then you’re going to have to put in $100,000 effort. If you want to be good, then put in great effort. If you want to be great, then put in outstanding effort. Accept it and get to work.
3. You aren’t thinking creatively. You love to “think outside the box,” but you really aren’t. You’re in the same old box and you’re just climbing deeper and deeper into it. Get out of your comfort zone and ask the big questions, “If I could do that would it virtually guarantee my success?” Chances are there are a few Hail Mary plays up your sleeve if you just had the guts to try them.
4. You haven’t failed enough. The biggest hurdle to overcome on your way to great success is to have a little success. Think in terms of a season and not each game. Just because you won last week doesn’t mean that you will this week, so you need to keep switching things up. Sometimes you’ll lose. Good. Learn from your mistakes, but never stop making your services and your people better.
5. You’re doing too much. John Donne once said, “No man is an island,” and believe me, no one with their own island tried to do everything himself. Leadership is about influencing others toward a common vision. Delegate your work, trust the people around you, and share the rewards. Ask for help. Set the vision and then get other’s to work towards it.
6. You’ve got too much of an ego. You’d rather be a 20 pound fish in a 5 pound lake than a 100 pound fish in a 200 pound lake. So what if you’re not the biggest? So what if they’re are people out there better than you? Focus on your own results and stop worrying about what everyone else is getting.
7. Your product and your market don’t match. If you’re in the luxury market, then your products better be luxurious. If you’re in the common market then your products better solve everyday problems. Don’t over complicate things. Don’t try to cheat the system. The house always wins. Test your prices and figure out what you’re worth (not what you wish you were worth).
8. You don’t have a business plan. Is it better to be smart or to be lucky? In business, it’s better to be smart. You can’t plan for luck and you can’t make your payroll with luck. Don’t play dice with other people’s lives or your own. Think through all the angles, write them down and make a plan. Then stick to it.
9. You’re too clever. You already know how most people go about running their company, but you’re a lone wolf and you’re going to change the world!! Sorry to burst you’re bubble, but don’t try to out think the market. Trying to create a new market with your first business is like saying that you’re retirement plan is to win the lottery. Learn the mechanics of your business and your industry and perfect them.
10. You’re delusional. I’m a big believer in positive thinking (see When Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work), but sometimes the market just doesn’t support your product and you don’t know it (you would if you did #8). Should you give up and focus on something else or are you on the verge of a huge success? I’m not saying that I know the difference. I’m saying that if you’re in that business then you better.
Again, there is absolutely no excuse for ignorance. There is too much information and too many people out there right now dying to help you with your business (feel free to send me an email – consults are 100% free). If you aren’t succeeding then there is something wrong and more importantly there is something that YOU can do about it
Act.Learn.Lead 